‘Boys will Be Boys’: Oh is that so?

Right, so growing up I lived pretty ‘old-skool’, (is that the right term?). Being somewhat of a fogie these days I can look back and, it’s fair to say I was raised in a typical patriarchy and in a household shaped by the old ways.

My mother stayed home, raised us, kept the house in order, and yes, brought my father his slippers and pipe when he returned from work. My father? He was strict, sure - fond of saying things like “children should be seen and not heard” and “do as I say, not as I do.” but for his time, I’d say he had a more progressive streak than most. He’d lived through WW2 and experienced a world far more divided than many of us ever have, yet he accepted people for who they were - regardless of race, sexuality, or background – and this at a time when that mindset wasn’t exactly fashionable, even here in the UK.

Let’s not forget that racial segregation in the US and homosexuality in the UK were only beginning to be properly outlawed/legislated against mid to late ‘60’s. Ergh, the world sucks sometimes…

Looking back, I know my parents were doing what they thought was right, shaped by the world

they’d inherited. But here's the thing - just because some things were normal back then doesn't they weren’t harmful and in this post, I’m going to bluster on about how we use certain language. So yeah, carry on and get (some) FUCT.

Now, knowing what we do about emotional development and personal accountability, it frustrates the hell out of me to see the same outdated clichés echoed today as if they’re pearls of wisdom. Scratch that, it actually really FUC'inig annoys me.

Boys Will Be Boys: A Toxic Excuse That’s Long Overdue for Retirement?

So yeah, take ‘boys will be boys’ Seems harmless, right? Just a bit of old-timey charm ya know. But strip it back, and it’s nothing more than a linguistic ‘free pass’ for dodging accountability. It says, 'Don't expect better from boys,' as though reckless behaviour is built into their DNA. Worse, it often shields them from the kind of emotional growth and responsibility we should be encouraging - while girls get saddled with the burden of emotional labour from the start.

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Excuses, excuses – err, excuse me?

‘Boys will be boys’ is used to excuse a range of behaviours, from roughhousing at home and the playground, through occasional inappropriate treatment and objectification of the opposite sex to outright bullying -  as though youthful aggression is inevitable and excusable. You'll hear it after a boy pulls a girl's pigtails, or when a group of boys taunt a classmate. It's often weaponized when boys push physical boundaries too far, turning actions that should be teachable moments into normalized rites of passage. And sure, no one's saying every scraped knee or playground prank deserves a moral tribunal, but there's a world of difference between youthful exuberance and excusing harmful behaviour.

When we use "boys will be boys," it's basically a polite way of saying, "Don't expect better."

It's a conveniently low bar, and an easy way out of difficult conversations about respect and boundaries. This mindset lets boys avoid early lessons about empathy and accountability and unwittingly reinforces the idea that bad behaviour is just part of the normal male experience. Meanwhile, girls grow up under an entirely different set of expectations. They are often burdened with disproportionate emotional expectation, i.e. to keep the peace, manage conflict, and show restraint when faced with the same disruptive behaviours from their male peers.

And what of the girls?

The imbalance here isn't just hypothetical. Studies have shown that girls are more likely to be praised for being "mature" and "helpful" while boys receive more leniency for disruptive behaviour. Girls are often encouraged to be caretakers from an early age, managing their emotions whilst all the while accommodating the behaviours of others, a dynamic that can persist into adulthood. This quiet scripting teaches girls to take on the emotional weight in relationships, often at their own expense, while boys are given a free pass to stay emotionally underdeveloped.

Compounding this issue is how language shapes gender norms in educational settings (FUC me did I just use the word ‘norm’? Is that ‘normal’?, hah). It’s been shown that boys are often celebrated for being "cool" when they disengage, while girls are subtly encouraged to work harder and blame themselves for underperformance.

These skewed expectations place undue pressure on girls to excel emotionally and academically, while boys face minimal consequences for disengagement - sometimes to their own long-term detriment. The messaging isn't just unfair; it's actively harmful.

And here's where it gets even messier. When girls constantly hear "boys will be boys," it doesn't just let boys off the hook - it can subtly distort their own expectations around consent and boundaries. If the narrative during youth is mostly that boys are repeatedly framed as unable to control their impulses, it can create a more dangerous narrative where certain behaviours are expected or tolerated, even when they shouldn't be. This messaging risks teaching girls to lower their standards for how they are treated, especially in situations involving physical touch or intimate relationships and this can be really FUC’T up, especially as people grow into adulthood.

(Miss) Behaviour and Entitlement

The real kicker? Well, brushing off misbehaviour under this tired cliché doesn't stay innocent for long. It breeds entitlement - pushing boundaries, shirking consent, and sometimes morphing into genuinely harmful actions. It's not a slippery slope argument; it's a well-documented pattern. Normalise this mindset early, and you risk setting boys up for failure in relationships, workplaces, and society. Brushing off misbehaviour doesn't just risk entitlement- it plants the idea that consent is negotiable, turning personal boundaries into suggestions rather than expectations.

And it’s not just a disservice to society - it’s a massive disservice to boys themselves. Peddling the idea that emotional intelligence and accountability are optional simply weakens them. The traits we often label as "soft" - like empathy and self-awareness—are precisely what build true resilience and strong character. So yeah, FUC off with the normalised, generations bullshit basically!

Of course, some may rightly argue that emphasising accountability could go too far, creating an environment where kids are overly scrutinised and burdened with adult expectations before they're ready. And yes I have to critique myself too, so perhaps I’m overthinking it? Yet, I think kids need freedom to play and explore but freedom doesn’t mean turning a blind eye when harm is being excused under the same tired phrases. There's a big difference between teaching basic respect and turning childhood into a non-stop performance review.

Boys can be free to explore, make mistakes, and learn - without being excused from the core lessons of empathy and boundaries.Sure, some will assert that the phrase is just cultural fluff and no big deal, but if it were truly harmless, it wouldn't be so often trotted out to excuse problematic behaviour.

And yes, there’s the golden nugget for any numbnuts out there. Language shapes norms, and norms influence action. Pretending otherwise is just lazy. If you’re a parent, why would you continue recycling a phrase (amongst many others) that in the long term could harm someone you love and care for? And let's not mention the broader societal impact?

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We can all be better.

So, how about we retire this verbal relic? Saying "boys can do better" feels empowering, yet not quite right as it can also risk piling unrealistic pressure on kids, turning childhood into a constant moral audition. The solution? Well, it has to be balance accompanied by a heavy dose of ditching ‘tradition’ when it comes to the things we speak out loud.

Kids can be messy and make mistakes while still being taught respect, empathy, and consequence - without linguistic loopholes that serve to only justify bad behaviour.

Boys aren't inherently chaotic forces of nature, just as girls aren't morally superior nurturers. Everyone is capable of depth, integrity, and growth - when we stop writing off accountability as optional.

It’s not about demanding perfection; it’s about basic decency. Time to stop making excuses and start helping the next generation rise to a higher standard. And while you’re at it - tell them to get more FUCT too.

Signing out,

FUCT